What I Wish I Knew… Single. Dating. Married
Love Languages • Message 3
Perry Duggar
September 1, 2024
I. Introduction
Continuing relationship series, What I Wish I Knew… Single. Dating. Married.
A. This morning’s message is entitled, Love Languages. [Adapted from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.]
We all desire to be loved—to receive love from someone who is committed to love us, who sees us as someone worthy of love, and to show it so that we know it!
…let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.
1 John 3:18b (NLT) [But our actions aren’t always understood.]
ILL.: Have you ever picked up a remote control, pointed it at an electronic device, pressed the appropriate button, and nothing happens? It’s working, the batteries aren’t dead, but the TV or sound bar doesn’t respond! The receiver doesn’t understand the signal. (In my house, it’s probably the wrong remote. We have 15.) It’s sending the wrong signal to be received and understood!
That happens in our relationships as well: we think we are sending out the signal that we love our spouses, but they aren’t receiving or understanding the message, so they feel unloved, unnoticed, undervalued.
What’s wrong? Dr. Gary Chapman, after decades of marriage counseling, concluded there are five different ways that people speak and understand love, which he identified in his book, The Five Love Languages. [pub.1992]
He deduced people speak different emotional love languages; most have a primary language through which they experience being loved. (Others to lesser degree.)
People’s primary love language is based on their psychological makeup and life experiences, because of the way their parents expressed love to them or perhaps, it indicates what was lacking in their upbringing.
Each of us tends to demonstrate love in our primary love language; so we become confused, disappointed, even frustrated, when our spouse does not receive it.
The way to improve marital intimacy is learning to communicate love so our spouses will understand; we must identify and speak our spouse’s love language.
B. THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES: (5 ways to communicate love)
1. Words of AFFIRMATION. (Proverbs 15:4; Song of Songs 2:14; Ephesians 4:29; 1 Thessalonians 5:11)
If words are your spouses’ primary love language, they will feel loved when you offer sincere (honest) compliments and make positive observations about them.
Proverbs 15:4 (Msg)—Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.
If, instead of affirming your mate, you gripe and grumble, criticize, complain and constantly correct, spouses will wonder whether they are loved or seen as worthy.
To speak this love language well, point out praiseworthy characteristics your spouse possesses, call attention to something they do well and commend it.
These affirmations may focus on behavior, personality, character, motivations, qualities, convictions, efforts or appearance; the words may be spoken or written.
…Let me see your face; let me hear your voice. For your voice is pleasant, and your face is lovely.
Song of Songs 2:14b (NLT)
Simple, honest, statements are best: "You look beautiful in that dress! You did a good job on that project. This was a great meal! You have a kind nature. I appreciate your honesty, respect your conviction, or admire your faith."
So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)
Avoid "encouragement" that is thinly veiled criticism such as, "You did well, but I think you have the ability to do even better.”
APP.: If affirmation doesn’t come naturally to you, work at it by first, removing your critical or condemning words, soften your tone, eliminate sarcasm and cynicism, then replace them with compliments and kind words of encouragement.
2. Quality TIME. (Psalm 90:12; Song of Songs 2:4,10-13; Ephesians 5:15-16)
Some people’s primary love language is undivided attention; spending time with the person you love for the purpose of connection.
Two people can be seated in the same car, eat at the same table, sit on the same couch, sleep in the same bed and be disconnected.
This love language is taking time for togetherness, talking, listening without interrupting, observing each other, asking questions for insight, with no phone!
Spouses can be so distracted with life’s responsibilities that they forget that they need to be actively involved in each other’s lives.
Teach us to use wisely all the time we have.
Psalm 90:12 (CEV)
A wise way to create quality time is to intentionally use every encounter with the person you love to express they are loved, esteemed, valued, important! [Grands]
Conversation that increases intimacy is dialogue where spouses share experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires to better understand each other.
Create connection experiences:
My lover said to me, “Rise up, my darling! Come away with me, my fair one!…
The flowers are springing up, the season of singing birds has come… [Ex.Visit botanical gardens.]
Song of Songs 2:10,12a (NLT)
APP. Do you go on dates, picnics, walks, vacations, weekends away and day trips? (Leigh Ann likes seeing changing colors in the fall so we take trips.)
3. Receiving GIFTS. (Genesis 37:3; 1 Kings 10:13; Song of Songs 1:10-11; Matthew 7:11)
Some people feel most loved when they receive tangible tokens of affection.
A gift reminds you the giver was thinking of you when the item was acquired or made; they are visual symbols of love and affection. (Papyrus cards)
Gifts are thoughtful expressions of generosity that must sometimes given spontaneously, not only on occasions when they’re expected.
I’m making jewelry for you, gold and silver jewelry that will mark and accent your beauty.
Song of Songs 1:10-11 (MSG)
These items may be purchased, made, or even found (flowers, a stone or crystal); it only matters that they express love, value, thought, appreciation, of the recipient.
The gift doesn’t have to be expensive to be expressive of your love, but, if you only purchase from the marked-down rack, it may send the message that your spouse is not worth paying full price for.
A gift should reveal your understanding and interest in your spouse; it should show you have been paying attention to what she says, what he likes, who she is.
APP.: Do you ever give surprise gifts or are you always practical (and cheap)?
4. Acts of SERVICE. (Genesis 27:9; 29:20; John 13:1-5, 14-15; Galatians 5:13)
ILL.: A man had not been feeling well, so he made an appointment to see his physician. On the appointed day, he and his wife drove to the clinic where he received a comprehensive examination, including numerous diagnostic tests. With the test results in hand, the doctor told the patient, “I’d like to talk to your wife in my study while you get dressed. I’ll send my nurse for you.”
In his study, the doctor explained to the concerned wife that her husband had a rare and potentially fatal stress-related disorder. He said, “In order to prolong his life, you will need to create a totally relaxed, stress-free, environment for him.
You must leave your career and dedicate yourself to meeting all your husband’s needs. Clean your house thoroughly every day so that he will not be irritated by any untidiness. Send him off to work every morning with a hug and a kiss. In the evening when he returns from work, lead him to his favorite chair and give him a cool, refreshing, drink and the TV remote control while you finish preparing a home-cooked meal of his favorite dishes. You must do this every day.
After dinner, encourage him to relax while you tidy up the kitchen, then draw a warm bath and lay out his pajamas. Be attentive to his every need during the evening and be just as romantic as you possibly can be. Don’t ever argue with him or distress him with any bad news. Shield him from any and every difficulty. Be sure that you maintain a positive, upbeat attitude and always wear a big smile.”
On the ride home, the worried husband asked, “What did the doctor tell you?” His wife was quiet for a moment, then said, “He said you’re going to die.”
The person with this primary love language feels most loved when you perform practical tasks for him or her which require time and effort.
For you have been called to live in freedom,... But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.
Galatians 5:13 (NLT)
Acts of service are things you willingly do for a spouse to lighten her load, to lift his burden, to be thoughtful by doing something you know your mate will like.
It doesn’t work if you have to be asked, especially if you have to be asked repeatedly; you must do it voluntarily, willingly, happily!
Actions such as cooking a favorite meal (Genesis 27:9), loading a dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms, changing diapers, bathing children, repairing toys, washing clothes, painting a bedroom, paying a bill, preparing taxes, changing a cat's litter box, driving kids to practice, hanging pictures, filling your spouse’s car with gas, washing windows, can all be expressions of love.
To a person whose primary love language is acts of service, words may be empty if they are not accompanied by actions; unfulfilled promises create a stronger negative feeling than making no promise at all.
When the person whose language is service hears “I love you,” he or she automatically thinks, “If you loved me, you would….”
APP.: Do you perform works of service, chores, just to lighten your spouse’s load?
5. Physical TOUCH. (Ruth 1:14; Song of Songs1:2; 2:6; 3:4; Mark10:13-16; 1Corinthians 7:5)
Almost all of us enjoy physical touch—hugs, kisses, sex—but for people whose primary love language is touch, it is the clearest, most powerful expression of affection, acceptance, appreciation and love.
Without physical touch, these people feel neglected, unnoticed, unimportant.
I found the one my heart loves. I threw my arms around him and didn’t let him go…
Song of Songs 3:4 (NIRV)
Physical touch includes sexual touching, but not exclusively or even primarily.
Sometimes stronger expressions of love are physical touches that don’t lead to sex such as hugging, holding hands, kissing, giving a back rub, running your fingers through your spouse's hair, and sitting close as you watch a favorite TV show.
These are people who like to fall asleep snuggled very close to their loved ones.
To someone whose primary love language is physical touch, a hug when you leave for work in the morning and a kiss before you go to sleep, are really important.
For a spouse whose love language is physical touch, hugging that person tightly, closely, in a crisis is essential—and your touch will mean more than your words.
APP.: Do you express love through physical affection?
How do I discover my spouse’s primary love language?
Observe how my spouse expresses love. (We show love the way we feel loved.)
Listen to what my spouse requests most often. (They ask for what is desired.)
Offer choices representing different love languages. (Let them choose.)
… let us practice loving each other… 1 John 4:7 (TLB)